The Fashioniste presents to you…
The Greatest Literary Geniuses of the Ages,
Weighing in on the Arrest of Best-Selling World-Famous Author,
Paris W. Hilton

Part 1 of 2

Paris Whitney Hilton the First is a renowned and much-talked-about contemporary author, whose 2004 best-seller, Confessions of an Heiress, followed two other great literary works in theme and content, those works being the Confessions of St. Augustine, written in 387-398 AD by the early church father, who spent his life in Roman Africa, and, of course, the Confessions of Jean-Jacques Rousseau, written from 1765 to 1770 by the Franco-Swiss philosopher, who is still very much regarded as a leader of the Enlightenment (the 18th-Century socio-intellectual movement known in French as Le Siècle des Lumières, and in German as Die Aufklärung) (Just kidding, I ain't gonna get THAT damn scholarly on your @$$—or maybe I should...).

The time that the author will spend is in jail will stand as a demonstrated confession on her part, whether or not she ever agrees with the ruling, and whether or not she ever understands it. I realize that by naming her as “the First,” I am implying that there is a “Second” Paris Hilton, which is not yet the case, but I am actually indeed suggesting that we are all her children, and insofar as we all desire luxury and fame and the envy of millions of strangers (however mild and barely pursued that desire of ours actually might be), then we are all the heirs and heiresses of her powerful and ennobling spirit.

Who knows if she will write a new book while behind bars (or rather behind plexiglas)? Many great books were conceived by their authors while in jail, including Machiavelli’s “The Prince,” Thomas Mallory’s “King Arthur,” Thoreau’s “Walden,” and perhaps most famously, the great world classic by Miguel de Cervantes, “Don Quixote,” the protagonist of which is very much similar to me in his approach to the that simple darling farm-girl, Aldonza Lorenzo, whom he super-romantically idealizes as his sweet Dulcinea del Toboso....

But here, allow me to give you a generous helping of literary quotes, almost all of which are followed by reactions and even some revisions by Yours Truly, ~The Fashioniste~

Little thieves wear iron chains, but great thieves wear ones of gold. -Proverb
> Yow!

Plate sin with gold, and the strong lance of justice hurtless breaks. -Shakespeare, King Lear, 4.6.170
> So she wasn't wearin' enough gold! THHHAT'S WHY!! You gotta plate those sinnin' limbs with more Cartier if ya don't wanna get caught next time, baby...! Come on now.

Heiresses are never jilted. -George Meredith, late-19th C English novelist and poet
> Heiresses are never jilted—but sometimes jailed! :-X

The price of justice is eternal publicity. -Arnold Bennett, early-20th C English writer
> No- No- No-torrrrious! (GASP!)

A just man is not one who does no ill,
But he, who with the power, has not the will. -Philemon, 3rd C B.C. Greek poet
> A just woman's not one who does no ill,
But she, who with the power, has not the will. (HHHHHO!!!) (<--the mindless interjection, not the insult)

When a woman has lost her chastity, she will shrink from no crime.
Latin: Neque femina amissa pudicitia alia abneurit. -Tacitus, 1st C Roman historian
> Damn...isn't that like, a little harsh?

Alternate translation: A woman once fallen will shrink from no impropriety.
> Yeah, that sound better--a little more refined in its vicious denunciation of all women. How wonderfully considerate!

Honor is like a match, you can only use it once. -Marcel Pagnol, mid-20th C French dramatist and moviemaker
> Oh, come on...like chastity is a freakin' cigarette?!??

He who idealizes women always at least demonizes women. –Literary critic Harold Bloon, discussing the Irish poet Yeats, who was known for his long-sustained idealization of the Irish actress Maud Gonne

But hey—getting back to Paris, maybe her reincarceration could be like…reincarnation?
Have you ever thought of that?

Give me chastity and self-restraint, but not yet! -St. Augustine, 4th-century saint!
> Yeah, so back off! She's still, like, college age (26? Oh. Yeah, like I said. :-s).

What's that? You want proper context? Sigh...fiiine:
As as youth I said, "Give me chastity and self-restraint, but not yet!"
It's kinda the same thing—like, "I'll follow the orders of my probation, but not yyyyyet! Gotta get my swerrrrrrrve awnnnn...." Yeah. To err is human; to forgive, divine? Yeah, but do the crime and then do the time. But what exactly is a crime? What is the difference between man-made law and divine law? These are the types of questions she is undoubtedly pondering, if she is anything like, you know, me. (It's a distinct possibility, not a probability.)

Virtue is the only nobility.
La vertu est la seule noblesse. -French proverb

Virtue is the true and only nobility.
Nobilitas sola est atque unica virtus. -Juvenal, 2nd C Roman satirist

And of course this is about how:
Virtue, not pedigree, is the mark of nobility.
Nobilitatis virtus non stemma. –Latin proverb

And:
Virtue flourishes in trial!
Virtus probata florescit.

and actually,
Virtue rejoices in trial!!!!
Gaudet tentamine virtus.

We all say we love justice, but who rejoices at having the representatives of justice come after them?

Justice delayed is justice denied. –The Right Honorable William Gladstone, 19th C English statesman and author – This is a wise judgment on his part, if I do say so myself.

Delay of justice is injustice. -Walter Savage Landor, early-19th C English poet and author

Justice is itself the great standing policy of civil society; and any eminent departure from it, under any circumstances, lies under the suspicion of being no policy at all. -Edmund Burke, late-18th C Irish philosopher and statesman

In a May 18, 2007 interview with Women's Wear Daily, Karl Lagerfeld said of Paris Hilton:
"If you ask me, she should have a driver. She doesn't have the excuse of being a poor girl. If you are a party person, and you like to have fun and drink a little, you better take a driver. She just has to make sure the driver doesn't drink, but that's another problem. If he has to go to jail, she can take another one."

Well, that's one choice—or she could ride or bike! Or stay at home and try to read everything that has ever been written about her in the blogosphere up to this day! I think that could fill like 15 hours of reading every day, for at least ten to thirty years... And that brings me to my next point:

Part 2 of 2

Nationwide Schadenfreude

Schadenfreude is an English word derived from German, meaning “Joy over someone else’s misery.”
The unrelenting media frenzy over the arrest of this particular writer has been one of this year’s defining moments of nationwide schadenfreude.

Here are some expressions from other languages about it:

Neid zu fühlen ist menschlich, Schadenfreude zu genießen teuflisch: "To feel envy is human, to enjoy schadenfreude is devilish." -Arthur Schopenhauer, mid-19th C German philosopher

Dutch: Geen schoner vermaak dan leedvermaak: "No better joy than joy about someone else's sorrow." (Proverb, often used ironically).

French proverb: Le malheur des uns fait le bonheur des autres: "One person's misfortune is another's happiness".

Brazilian proverb: Pimenta nos olhos dos outros é refresco: "The pepper in somebody else's eyes is refreshing." (ironically used.)

A simply false saying goes: Das Wort Schadenfreude kennt man nur im Deutschen: "The word schadenfreude is known only in German." But this will be majorly disproven right now, as I present to you….

How to say it in other languages!
This is one of those deals where you just skim down the list and look for the language spoken by somebody you know, so the next time you see them, you can say the word, most likely with the wrong accent, at which point they will smack your ass over the head, resulting in their own schadenfreude. >:-D
Anyway, enjoy perusing the truly global phenomenon of human maliciousness. >;-)

* Arabic: shamaatah شماتة (shamtan, taking pleasure in the misfortune of others)
* Bulgarian: злорадство (зло, evil or harm, радост, joy) (zloradstva)
* Czech: škodolibost (škoda, damage, harm, or loss, libost, pleasure)
* Danish and Norwegian: skadefryd (skade, damage, injury or harm, fryd, glee)
* Dutch: leedvermaak (leed, suffering or sorrow, and vermaak, entertainment)
* Estonian: kahjurõõm (kahju, damage or harm and rõõm, joy)
* Faroese: skaðafrøði (skaði, damage and frøði, joy)
* Finnish: vahingonilo (vahinko, accident or damage, ilo, joy or happiness)
* Greek: χαιρεκακία (χαρά, joy or delight and κακία, spite or ill will)
* Hebrew: שמחה) : שמחה לאיד, joy, איד, misfortune) (simcha la'ed)
* Hungarian: káröröm (kár, loss or damage, öröm, joy)
* Lithuanian: piktdžiuga (piktas angry, džiaugsmas joy)
* Macedonian: злорадост (зло, evil or harm, радост, joy) (zloradost)
* Russian: злорадство (зло, evil or harm, радость, joy) (zloradstva)
* Scots Gaelic: aighear millteach (aighear, delight or joy, millteach, malicious or destructive)
* Serbian and Croatian: zluradost (zlo, evil, radost, joy)
* Slovak: škodoradosť (škoda, damage, harm, or loss, radosť, joy)
* Slovenian: škodoželjnost (škoda, damage, harm, or loss, želeti, to wish)
* Swedish: skadeglädje (skada, damage, glädje, joy or happiness)

Now… Don’t think the Far East will be neglected in this whimsical survey of psycholinguistics (and I do mean psycho, cuz how could sadistic people exist, like, EVERYWHERE?!?). And so, here you go:

In Thai, the phrase สมน้ำหน้า, som nam na, can be interpreted as: "You got what you deserved"; "Serves you right"; or "I'm laughing at your bad luck".

In Korean, the phrase 고소하다, go so ha da, literally translated means "to smell sesame oil", because in Korea the smell of sesame oil is regarded as very pleasant, this phrase also is used when one is pleased about a particular event. It is especially used when one is pleased about an event involving the misfortune of another.

In Chinese, the phrase 幸灾乐祸 (Traditional Chinese: 幸災樂禍; Pinyin: xìngzāi lèhuò) is an old idiom that directly translates to "enjoying (other's) calamity (and) laughing at (other's) misfortune".

In Japanese, the phrase 他人の不幸は蜜の味, tanin no fukou wa mitsu no aji, translates literally as "others' misfortunes are the taste of honey".

In Tagalog/Filipino, the phrase "Buti ngà sa iyó," translates as "Serves you right"; "Buti ngà sa kanyá" as "Serves him/her right." The general expression, however, is just "Buti ngà!"

Impressive... Wait, you said No? Yeah, well, it serves you right!! >:-O

Um, only God can judge her...? Maybeeee, but as Augustine said:

Securus judicat orbis terrarum..
The verdict of the world is conclusive.
(Ouch! Just let history decide. Yeah. History.... o_O)

References that Will Shock You!
(in a good way, don’t worry)

I have refrained from including any pictures of Ms. Hilton here as there are already so many photos of her in so many prominent places, not the least of which include magazine covers and the front pages of countless newspapers, and the homepages of many high-traffic websites on any given day. I myself would rather she be considered for her literary work, and as an acting representative of the human nature that we all exhibit in one way or another, no matter who we are, what we do, or where we live.
That being said, I here give you this:

Paris Hilton, blowing a kiss to police officer and saying “Thank you, officer. We love the police.”
–Nov. 10, 2005
Is this not irrefutable proof of her respect for the law?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ga16HudDBM0
(gasp!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ytWIZHxolI0
Notorious singalong (American Idol got nuthin' on this)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fIjeqeS4058

Quotes from Paris' fellow confessors and literary predecessors!
St. Augustine
Jean-Jacques_Rousseau
"Let them eat...donuts?"

List of Great Books Written from Jail:
(I'm hoping we'll see at least one more added to the list by summer's end!)
Wikipedia entry on schadenfreude—I had to edit and verify much of what I used from the article. Always be wary of information from Wikipedia; too many mistakes, inaccuracies, and of course, tons of bias, whether in terms of opinion or chronology (like biographical articles that ignore whole parts of the person's work or career). The webliography is always the useful part, as it provides actual sources for what the articles claim, and they are getting better at that. So yeah!
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schadenfreude